


On Mild Days (I Remember Your Name)

by awanderingmuse



Series: These Tempermental Days [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Gen, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awanderingmuse/pseuds/awanderingmuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Soldier has nothing but his new mission parameters and the faulty programming in his head that rebels against those orders.</p><p>OR</p><p>Captain America: The Winter Soldier from Bucky's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Mild Days (I Remember Your Name)

**Author's Note:**

> As always LtReginaBarclay is the reason this got finished/edited. Seriously she's a saint. Sat with me while I watched Winter Soldier frame by frame (which I don't recommend unless you love crying) and everything.

The Soldier rests high above the highway on a concrete pillar that support the street lamp. He waits for his Targets.

The Programmers told him he was waiting for a black Chevrolet Malibu with four passengers inside.

Two passengers are Targets. Both are very strong, fast, and smart. The Soldier has been warned that they are more than human.

He is to be careful that he takes them out without being identified. He is not to let his muzzle slip around either of them.

One is a Liability that must be disposed of immediately. He is a traitor to HYDRA. He will be summarily dispatched.

The fourth is merely collateral damage. But HYDRA thinks he could become dangerous. He too is not to see another day.

These Targets cannot be missed. His Handler emphasized that point when he went to his residence for further instruction.

The programmers gave The Soldier the vehicles identification tags. He doesn’t need them. Identification tags are unreliable, they can be changed. He watches for a vehicle containing the Targets, Liability, and collateral damage.

The Soldier does not have to wait long.

His earpiece buzzes with the sound of a handler giving an ETA on the approaching Targets. There are always handlers. For this mission he had at least twenty strategically placed to keep the Soldier under control and assist him as needed. The Soldier only expects them to stay out of his way.

A moment later the vehicle passes beneath him. It is time to get the job done. To return to cryo. The Soldier jumps on to the top of the vehicle.

His first priority, The Liability, is easily taken care of when he reaches in through the window, shattering the glass to grab The Liability and throws him into oncoming traffic. A Semi-Trailer Truck’s horn blares and The Soldier knows The Liability won’t survive that.

The Soldier kneels on the roof to shoot at where each of the Targets and the collateral damage should be.

The car lurches and skids as someone pulls the break, throwing The Soldier from the roof. He catches himself in a kneeling position and slides back several feet. Sparks fly from the arms fingers, leaving deep gouges in the pavement.

He stands and faces the vehicle, which is still skidding towards him. He waits. A team of HYDRA operatives ram into the vehicle containing the Targets, pushing it closer to The Soldier.

The Soldier jumps onto the roof of the car, holding on to the edges for a moment before punching the windshield out and ripping the steering wheel from the column.

He hears gun fire as a Target shoots at him through the roof. Without looking he jumps to the hood of the HYDRA vehicle. Letting the team inside do their job and force the smaller sedan off the road. It flies in the air and flips over several times.

He expects that to be the end of it. It isn’t.

Somehow the Targets escape. They skid across the pavement on the cars door. The collateral damage rolls off the door and down the road.

The HYDRA issued vehicle skids to a stop. The Soldier jumps off the hood.

His handlers follow but The Soldier hardly notices. The handlers give him a grenade launcher as he approaches The Targets.

He aims at The Target who carries a round shield. The Female Target and the collateral damage run. He’ll deal with them in a moment.

The Soldier fires and the grenade hits the Shield, a target really, dead center and sends the Target flying into a bus that is below the bridge.

The Soldier leaves him for the moment and approaches the collateral damage and other Target who are hiding behind some abandoned cars. From the description he received from his handler he is sure The Male Target has not been killed.

Behind him the HYDRA handlers shoot uselessly at the vehicles. Their bullets ping as they bounce off the metal siding. The Soldier grits his teeth at their incompetence.

The Female Target boldly, but uselessly, shoots at The Soldier and his handlers with a handgun while the collateral damage hides. The Soldier forces the Female Target to leave her cover by firing a grenade at her.

As he expects she dives over the barricade and into oncoming traffic. Her face is set in concentration. She’s planning something, and The Soldier doesn’t care to find out what. As she passes a car the Soldier takes aim with the grenade launcher and blows the car and The Target off the bridge.

He trades the launcher for a machine gun and approaches the edge of the bridge to shoot either of the Targets if they are still alive. At first he sees nothing. He prepares to shoot through the bus, in case the first Target who could not have died is hiding there.

He doesn’t get the chance. The Female Target comes out of nowhere. She fires her handguns from below hitting The Soldier square in the goggles, cracking his lens.

The Soldier ducks to pull off the broken eyewear and in a fit of rage shoots over the side of the bridge. But the Red Headed Target is no longer there. She instead shoots at him from behind the bus.

The Soldier returns fire but he cannot reach her from the bridge. The Target runs.

Suddenly it’s become personal, when nothing is personal for The Soldier. He has to take down this Target. The Blond Target is his priority but he does not care.

He tells his handlers to see to The Blond Target and gives chase to the Red Headed Target. She will not escape him.

Around him people flee. He pays them no attention, eyes searching out The Target. Faintly he hears her giving directions to reinforcements. Silently he approaches her and kneels down, rolling a grenade towards her voice.

As he watches the car explode The Female Target jumps from the car behind him. She kicks the gun from his hands and lands on to his back like a spider, legs slung under his arms. The maneuver is oddly familiar.

She has a choke cord tight against his trachea, cutting off his breath. Choking, The Soldier falls back into the car behind him trying to knock her from his shoulders. She is thrown forward and The Soldier uses his metal arm to slam her against the vehicles across the road before retrieving his gun and taking aim at her.

The Red Headed Target is slightly faster. She throws a small disc that attaches to The Arm and sends an electromagnetic pulse up it. The arm freezes. For a moment he thinks The Arm may be compromised. But when he removes the small device it remains functional. The Target has taken the moment to run, warning civilians to flee as she goes. The Soldier follows.

When a clean line of sight opens he takes the shot and hits her in the shoulder. The Red Headed Target falls to the ground. It is oddly familiar, worrisome almost.

It is strange. The Soldier could not have had this Target before. She would be dead. Still he can’t shake the feeling he has shot her before.

He tries to ignore the faulty programming as he jumps on a car to shoot the Red headed Target again. From the corner of his eye he sees the Blond Target running towards him. He turns to punch the man with his left arm. But The Target blocks it with his shield.

The Soldier shoves the shield aside and kicks him. They both land on their backs.

He sits up and shoots at The Target but The Target has already hidden behind his Shield. He flips off the car and aims.

He runs out of ammo and has to reload his gun. During that moment The Target kicks the gun out of his hand, swinging the shield towards his face. The Soldier punches the Target in the Solar Plexus and grips The Shield to throw The Target.

The Target manages to land on his feet. But now The Soldier has his Shield. The weight of it on his arm whispers familiarly to his faulty programming. He’s done this before.

He smashes The Blond Target in the face with Shield making him cry out in pain and fall to his back. The Target rolls and crouches low before running towards the Soldier.

The Soldier throws the Shield at The Target, who dodges the Shield and keeps coming.

The Soldier draws a knife from his belt to exchange rapid blows with the Target. He keeps trying to slice The Target. But the Target is just as fast as the Soldier was warned he would be and blocks each blow perfectly.

The Soldier falls into the familiar rhythm of the fight. Becomes complacent almost. That’s how The Target manages to punch The Soldier in the face. Attacks his side with a spinning jump kick, and then shoves him into the truck.

The fact that this particular target can manage to do that makes the Soldier furious for unknown reasons. It’s getting harder to ignore the faulty programming, driving him to fight harder. They grapple for the upper hand.

Finally The Soldier gets The Target into a chokehold and throws him over the hood of the car behind them.

He leaps over to the Target. The Soldier intends to punch him hard enough break his skull. But The Target rolls away.

There is another exchange of blows before The Soldier manages to shove The Target into the side of a van and pull a knife. He goes to stab The Target between the eyes, a quick death. But The Target manages to grab his hands and dodge the blow.

The Soldier’s knife sinks into the side of the van. He slices sideways towards The Target. But of course this target won’t be taken so easily, The Soldier knows this in a bone deep way.

He ducks the blade and grabs The Soldier from behind. Throwing him behind himself even as he flips with the toss landing solidly on his feet and grabbing his shield from the van.

The Soldier has a harder time getting his blows to land on The Target once he has The Shield. Finally The Target manages to hook The Shield under The Arm and lock The Soldier into place.

It doesn’t stop The Target. He bashes The Soldier with the edge of The Shield and grabs The Soldiers mask to flip him. The Mask comes flying off

The Soldier turns to scrutinize The Target. The Target stares, breathing hard.

“Bucky.” He says nonsensically. But the simple word obviously means a thousand things to The Target. And it feels like it means something to the faulty programming in The Soldier as well. It confuses him.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” The Soldier asks even as he takes aim to finish the mission.

He doesn’t get the chance to shoot. He is kicked to the ground by the collateral damage.

He rolls to his feet still confused by The Targets reactions to his face. But his confusion makes him angry, so he takes a shot at The Targets head. The Target dodges, barely.

The Female Target shoots one of his own grenades over the Male Target’s shoulder. The Soldier is blown off his feet. He feels a little dazed. But he knows that support is on the way. He waits for them to take The Targets and collateral damage, instead of continuing the fight.

They are surrounded by the Strike Team in short order. All three surrender.

The handlers take The Soldier back into custody. He hopes to go back to cryo, but he has to wait for the mission to be finished first. Around him the handlers prepare him for transport back to the lab. They sound dissatisfied.

His handlers return The Soldier to the main base of operations in DC. The front of a bank covering the deep inner workings of HYDRA. Not that it matters to The Soldier where he is kept. The Soldier is sitting in the cold metal chair. He is always told to sit here for maintenance. The vault is poorly lit but it does not appear to bother the technician that tinkers with his arm.

They have him sit there for hours at a time. He is to allow them to do their work and not bother them. The Soldier can’t help it when the faulty programming creeps in and takes over. He finds himself remembering things he’s never seen.

A gnome like bespectacled old man floats in his vision. He calls him Sergeant Barnes, but The Soldier does not know who that is. Alarmed The Soldier jerks away from the technician looking for the old man.

But the flashes don’t stop. He is flying towards a moving train in heavy snowfall. And then falling from it. The Blonde Target from earlier today screaming, “Bucky, no!” Who is Bucky?

There’s a flash of the Female Target lying next to him. Red hair fanned out under her head. They’re discussing traitiors.

The images come faster and faster. An unstoppable force The Soldier knows he cannot beat them alone. Why won’t his handlers make it stop?

He remembers bleeding on the mountain side, snow falling on his missing limb. A man dragging him through the snow.

The Female Target young again, from before, is curled in a chair reading forbidden literature. Something that would get her marked as a traitor.

Then the gnome is back. Telling him that the procedure has already started even as they saw off what remains of his mangled arm. The Soldier wonders if this is fear.

It disconcerting when these memories occur. He knows where he is. Can see his hands and the technicians around him. But at the same time the technicians are in older clothes while the Gnome gives him his ultimate mission, to be HYDRA’s ultimate weapon.

He knows he doesn’t want it. Without thinking he lashes out at the technician working on his arm. Without warning he shoves the man into the vaults wall. Another technician runs to help the man up.

Several guns are trained on him within seconds. He’s not threatened, he know he could take these men down easily. But some vague fear of his Handler, who he hears coming towards them holds him back. Leaving him sitting on the hard metal chair breathing heavily.

The last thing he hears before his Handler comes in to take control of the situation is a technician warning his Handler that he is unstable.

His Handler tells the armed guards to stand down, absolutely sure that he has control over The Soldier. And he is correct because over everything else The Soldier knows two things. He needs his Handler to survive. Disobeying his Handler will have serious consequences worse than death. But The Soldier can’t help but wonder about the flashes of memory. How had he known his Targets before? Before what?

When his Handler demands a Mission Report, The Soldier struggles to give it. He knows his Targets. The blonde man knew him. How?

His Handler demands a Mission Report again but The Soldier cannot reply. His mind is like a broken record. Looping over and over with images of his Targets. He knew them. The blonde Target knew him. Gave him a name. The Redhead?

His Handler backhands The Soldier to get his attention. It hurts, but His Handler would have to hit a lot harder to do damage. He knows he must tell his Handler something but he can only think about the Targets.

So he says, “The man on the bridge. Who was he?” Maybe his Handler can make the faulty programming stop. It is what Handlers are for.

“You met him earlier this week on another assignment.” His Handler replies evenly. But The Soldier knows that’s not right. The earlier assignment is not how the Target knew to name him.

“I knew him.” The Soldier says. The faulty programing makes him hurt in a way that has nothing to do with physical damage.

His Handler sits, looking far too serious. All The Soldier wants is for the programing to stop or to understand. He doesn’t know and shouldn’t want. He looks to his Handler for help.

“You’re work has been a gift to mankind.” His Handler reassures him. The Soldier tries to listen. But the faulty programing keeps pulling at him reminding him of his Targets instead. If he could just know how he knew them it’d be okay.

“You shaped the century.” His Handler continues. The Soldier can’t listen, he needs to know. The faulty programing hurts his chest.

“And I need you to do it one more time.”

The Soldier doesn’t want to do anything until he knows. He needs to know when he isn’t supposed to have needs.

“Societies at a tipping point between order and chaos. And tomorrow morning we’re going to give it a push. But if you don’t do your part I can’t do mine. And HYDRA can’t give the world the freedom it deserves. ”

The Soldier doesn’t care. The Handlers words have nothing to do with a specific mission or The Targets.

“But I knew him.” The Soldier insists. Holding on to the image of the Blonde Target standing above him screaming the name that does not belong to him. The Red Target pulling him down using only her legs.

His Handler sighs. The Soldier doesn’t know what he is thinking. But then, he’s never supposed to. Maybe he will give a real answer this time?

He doesn’t. His Handler stands, tells the technicians to prep him. One of the Technicians say that The Soldier has been out cryo for too long. Which explains the faulty programing. But The Solder can’t help by shy away because he knows what happens when he spends too long out of cryo.

“Then wipe him and start over.” His Handler instructs matter of factly.

The Solder allows the technicians to push him back in the chair. He hates getting wiped and wishes he could just go back to cryo. But he knows his Handler is right. His Handler is always right.

The faulty programing is out of control and a wipe is the only way to get rid of it. He accepts the rubber mouth guard from one of the technicians. His muscles go stiff in preparation for the pain, real physical agony, as the restraints lock over his limbs. He tries not scream as the wiping machine locks onto his head and spends arcs of purple electricity through his skull.

He fails.

  
The technicians ask him about a blonde man, a Target. They ask in several different ways. The Soldier does not know who he is. It takes a while for them to believe him.

He does remember a red haired Target. Sees her with the face of youth, and the face of a warrior. He does not know her, but she is important. She is a traitor. He does not tell anyone, even as he is given a new Mission to kill Captain America.

Getting to the Blonde Target was fairly easy. He had one fight with a strange man with wings who was trying to keep him from his Target. But once he ripped the wings from the man’s back he was not much of a threat.

The hard part was getting the Blonde Target to stay down while watching for the Red Headed Target. The Traitor was unspeakably cunning and dangerous. The Soldier somehow knew that to be true. The faulty programming disagreed.

The Blonde Target manages to stop HYDRA’s plans but the The Soldiatik…now why did the faulty programming make The Soldier use that name. There was a flash of a training room the red head smiling sarcastically.

But he still had a mission to destroy the Blonde Target. The Soldier started climbing to reach the Blonde Target. He had his mission. He needed to kill the target.

But when he hears the Target say “fire now” something in Soldier rebels. The faulty programing, again. He’s been out of cryo to long. He sets his sights back on the mission.

The Soldier doesn’t make it far. The agent on the other end of The Targets fires. The Soldiers handholds shook and he was able to hold on. Until the beam falls.

He’s crushed against one of the hellicarriers windows. Can’t get out from under the heavy beam that he can feel crushing him. It hurts. But The Soldier keeps struggling, knowing The Blonde Target is coming to finish him off.

At the same time the faulty programming wishes the Target would stop making his towards him and get out. There was still a chance he could survive. The Soldier was a lost cause anyways.

But the Target doesn’t do what The Soldier expects. He doesn’t come to kill The Soldier. Instead he starts trying to lift the beam that is crushing him. The Soldier has fought men like this before. Men obsessed with the glory of killing The Soldier in a fair fight. It is always there downfall.

The faulty programming worries that The Target is suicidal.

The Target finally gets the beam lifted enough that The Soldier can escape its weight. The Soldier scrambles to his feet and prepares to finish his mission. Ignoring the faulty programing in his head practically screaming for him to stop.

It’s only made worse when the Target says, “You know me.”

“No I don’t!” The Soldier yells back. Full of rage because the faulty programming is agreeing with the Target. Why couldn’t he just go back to cryo?

They’re fighting weakly. The Soldier know he’s too exhausted, too broken to put up a proper fight. But so is the Target. Either way they will finish it.

“Bucky.” The Target calls again to the faulty programing. How can false information have a name? “You’ve known me your whole life.”

It rings true. But it can’t be and it doesn’t matter. The Soldier has a mission to complete. He hits The Target with a backfist. But the faulty programming makes him pull the blow.

The Target only stumbles a little. “You’re name is James Buchanan Barnes.” He insists as he gets to his feet.

It’s so familiar but The Soldier must finish his mission. “Shut up!” He screams at both the Target and the programming. But his body betrays him again, his slowing his punch and directing it for the shield the Target carried with him. But the blow is strong enough to throw the Target back.

The Target takes off his helmet as they both stand to face eachother. They’re breathless. Wounded.

Then the Target says the unexpected. “I’m not gonna fight you.” He mumbles weakly dropping his shield. It disturbs the faulty programing. It disturbs The Soldier. Targets never stop fighting. This man should never stop fighting.

“You’re my friend.” The Target continues seriously.

The Soldier gathers himself and tackles the Target to the ground. Surely he isn’t doing this. Why won’t Ste-The Target fight? He’s supposed to fight. The Soldier knows that like he knows how to breathe.

“You’re my mission.” He tells both the Target and the faulty programming. He has to finish this.

He punches the Target. But the faulty programming pulls the punch again, and again. “You’re my Mission.” The Solider yells. Emphasizing each word with a pulled punch. Why can’t he kill this Target? It’s his mission. But it’s like his body doesn’t understand.

“Then finish it.” The Target says, sounding half delirious from the injuries The Soldier inflicted upon him. The Soldier pauses because it sounds like the Target is really giving up. And everything The Soldier knows screams that this is wrong. The faulty programming just screams. “Because I’m with you to the end of the line.”

He knows that line. He said it once. It’s not faulty even if it’s the faulty programming that says it knows. He stares down at the Target, Steve, confused and horrified.

He has to know but he doesn’t know what? He doesn’t get the chance to form a coherent thought. Part of the ship breaks off and shatters the glass below him. He instinctively grabs on to part of the hellicarier still attached. Generally situations like this set the faulty programming into a fit.

Not this time. He’s too focused on The Target. Who was not able to grab on to something.

The Soldier watches as the Target falls away. Everything in him screams that Steve cannot die. Without any conscious effort on the Soldiers part he finds himself diving after The Target and pulling him from the icy waters of the Potomac.

The Soldier drags The Target to shore by his harness. And after making sure that The Target is breathing. Turns and trudges away. The need for cover overriding the faulty programming.

He can hear the helicopter coming to get Steve. But what makes Steve safe does not make The Soldier safe. So he leaves Steve with a new set of mission parameters. To understand the faulty programming.

  
The Soldier’s new mission required a lot of recon. He started with a basic internet search. Hydra made sure he was kept up to date with modern technology. Otherwise the Soldier would have been useless as the world progressed.

So he was able to go to a library and during the hour long session the library allowed him researched “James Buchanan Barnes”. The basics that turned up rung true with the faulty programming.

He was fairly certain he’d grown up in Brooklyn with Steve. And that they’d fought in World War II together. But that’s where the feeling of rightness ends.

The web made it sound like Steve had just been small and thin but an upstanding man of protestant moral. That later Steve was only Bucky’s Captain and longtime acquaintance. The faulty program didn’t seem to agree with that but the Soldier couldn’t recall what did happen.

Further research showed that there was a museum exhibit in the Smithsonian on Captain America and the Howling Commandos. The Soldier carefully memorizes the address and hours of operation. Then move on to the next article.

He didn’t have much hope for it being very informative. It was after all just a post from a teenage girl talking about learning about the Second World War in history class. At first it was your typical propaganda filled post. History made quaint and socially acceptable for children. Nothing but the basic facts rung true for The Soldier. Until the young girl started her opinions.

‘I just wish that Captain Rogers and Sargent Barnes had been a THING, you know.’ The girl writes. ‘I mean I know there’s no way that happened and the bromance is great and all but I just really wish they’d been more. It’d be so cute! Imagine them sharing a fire after a battle and taking care of eachother with little coy looks that The Commandos totally see but don’t say anything about! I just need that to be true.’

The Soldier isn’t sure why but the faulty programming starts laughing. He starts laughing. It’s a dry grating sound that something in him knows should come out of weak lungs. But he’s laughing and he can’t stop. And then suddenly tears are streaming down his face too.

At first he thinks the faulty programming is going break him entirely then he realizes he seen this before. Targets that have heard of Winter Soldier, Targets that have searched for him going hysterical in the moments before they die. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

A hand gently touches his shoulder and The Soldier nearly crushes the woman who is attached to its throat. Nearly. He doesn’t.

The woman backs up. Giving The Soldier space. “Sir, are you alright?” the librarian asks gently.

The Soldier is still hysterical. The woman reaches out to him again and The Soldier runs.

Eventually, leaning in a back alley The Soldier manages to pull himself together. He sets up surveillance around The Target, Steve’s, apartment. It means he gets less information but he makes sure that he stays far enough away that he won’t be noticed by what remains of S.H.I.E.LD.

The Soldier spends the next several days scoping out the area the Target, Steve, lives in and going to the Smithsonian. He starts trying to call himself James. It’s what works best. He knows now logically that he is Bucky. But he doesn’t feel worthy of the name. But James, James is tolerable. And if he’s going to let the faulty programming take over…he can’t be The Soldier.

It’s hard. The Soldier is still hurt. Still weak. Living on the streets isn’t making his physical state any better. And his programming is breaking down the longer he stays out of HYDRA’s grasp. And above all else he has to stay out of HYDRA’s grasp if he’s to complete the mission. But it means that there’s not much left but the faulty programming, which is incoherent at best.

The Soldier needs help. But he can’t use his handlers. So he goes to the one place he thinks he might get help. Or perhaps a bullet to the head. But maybe that’s all the help he can be given.

The Soldier pointedly disarms and climbs the steps to the apartment. It feels like surrendering as his fist raises to knock on the door. But it also feels a bit like his first really glimpse at freedom and understanding.

**Author's Note:**

> To be Continued...
> 
> Along with a thousand other fics. I have too many ideas and too little time.  
> Cry with me about ships and stuff on Tumblr! https://www.tumblr.com/blog/awanderingmuse-assemble


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